Just Me’s blog

Sometimes I try to do things
And it just doesn't work out the way I want it to.
And I get real frustrated.
It's like, I try hard to do it
And I take my time
But it just doesn't work out the way I want it to.
It's like, I concentrate on it real hard,
But it just doesn't work out.
And everything I do and everything I try,
It never turns out!
It's like, I need time to figure these things out.
There's always someone there going,
"Hey Mike, you know,
We've been noticing you've been having a lot of problems lately, you
know.
You should maybe get away,
And like, maybe you should talk about it,
You'd feel a lot better."
I go, "No, it's okay, you know, I'll figure it out.
Just leave me alone, I'll figure it out you know.
I'm just working on myself."
And they go, "Well, you know, if you wanna talk about it,
I'll be here ya know,
And you'll probably feel a lot better if ya talked about it,
So why dontcha talk about it?!"
I go, "No! I don't want to! I'm okay! I'll figure it out myself!"
But they just keep buggin' me,
They just keep buggin' me
And it builds up inside!
So you're gonna be institutionalized
You'll come out brainwashed with bloodshot eyes
You won't have any say
They'll brainwash you until you see their way
I'm not crazy - Institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - Institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - Institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy, myself.

Uh - I was in my room
And I was just like staring at the wall thinking 'bout everything.
But then again I was thinking about nothing.
And then my Mom came in,
And I didn't even know she was there.
She called my name,
But I didn't hear her.
Then she started screaming, "Mike, Mike!"
And I go, "What? What's the matter?"
She goes, "What's the matter with you?!"
I go, "There's nothin' wrong Mom."
She goes, "Don't tell me that, you're on drugs!"
I go, "No Mom, I'm not on drugs.
I'm okay, I'm just thinking, you know.
Why don't ya give me a Pepsi?"
She goes, "No, you're on drugs!"
I go, "Mom, I'm okay, I'm just thinking."
She goes, "No, you're not thinking, you're on drugs!
Normal people don't act in that way!"
I go, "Mom, just give me a Pepsi please,
All I want is a Pepsi."
And she wouldn't give it to me!
All I wanted was a Pepsi!
Just one Pepsi!
And she wouldn't give it to me!
Just a Pepsi!
They give you a white shirt with long sleeves
Tied around your back, you're treated like thieves
Drug you up because they're lazy
It's too much work to help a crazy
I'm not crazy - Institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - Institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - Institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy, myself.

I was sitting in my room.
My Mom and my Dad came in.
So they pull up a chair and they sat down.
They go, "Mike, we need to talk to you."
And I go, "Okay, what's the matter?"
They go, "Me and your Mom,
We've been noticing lately you've been having a lot of problems,
And you've been going off for no reason.
And we're afraid you're gonna hurt somebody,
We're afraid you're gonna hurt yourself.
So we decided that it would be in your best interest
If we put you somewhere
Where you could get the help that you need."
And I go, "Wait! What are you talking about?!
We decided?!
MY best interest?!
How do you know what my best interest is!
How can you say what my best interest is!
And what are ya trying ta say, I'm crazy?!
When I went to your schools!
I went to your churches!
I went to your institutional learning facilities!
So how can ya say I'm crazy?!
They say they're gonna fix my brain
Alleviate my suffering and my pain
But by the time they fix my head
Mentally, I'll be dead

I'm not crazy - Institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - Institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - Institutionalized
They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy, myself

...Doesn't matter I'll probably get hit by a car anyway

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck.

I have got to get the fuck out of this place. This job, this city, maybe even this whole country.

I get to the point where I'm okay with the separation, and I'm okay with just being friends, and all of a sudden he's not?! What the FUCK?! I need him to be okay with this. I really do. But I can't wake up to 46 missed calls and 6 voicemails reminding me that I wasn't there when he needed me most. I know he doesn't have anybody else right now, and I really do want to be there for him, but part of me thinks I just need to cut the ties because it's probably doing more harm than good right now.

But if I do, then what?

I'm so jealous of my little sister. She just up and moved, and started a whole new life. I wish I had the balls to do that, I really do. It might be exactly what I need. I don't know what I need. I don't know what I want, either, except just to be left alone to think and deal with this.

I can't take care of everybody else, but I can't help trying to. It's in my nature. I need everybody to be okay, more than I need to be okay myself. But at times like these, I worry so much about other people that I don't take care of myself and I know that can't be healthy either.

Either way, I lose.

Oooohhhh where to begin? That's really the big question now, isn't it? Not just in this blog, in my life. I've blogged before, and I remember it being therapeutic, so here I am again. It's not that I want people to read all my incoherent babble... I just need a place to get it all out so maybe my brain will stop its spin cycle for a while.

This always makes me feel silly, though. I'm so bad when it comes to describing how I feel. Even when things are simple, I just never really have words to describe any of this. It would be easier if my thoughts came in words, and maybe they do sometimes and I just can't remember long enough to put them down in a coherent way, but mostly they just come in feelings, and usually too many at a time to separate them.

So I need to start somewhere, I guess, and here's as good a place as any. I'm just... at a loss right now. Things are getting easier day-to-day, but there are still way too many moments where I'd give anything to be in my house, with my husband, and my bed, and my kitchen, and my bathtub, with my puppies, and my fridge, and mine, mine, mine. I know it's not supposed to be easy. And I know that a lot of separations and divorces go infinitely worse than this one. I mean, at least I can still talk to him. But that's so fucking hard sometimes. The logical side of me is doing pretty well, but it's not often that the logical side wins. It's like there are two people inside of me, one sane, and one absolutely batshit crazy, and they're just fighting it out 24/7 in my head. Maybe I'll start talking in two different voices, and typing in two different colors, or some crazy shit like that.

There are still good things. After this initial hurt, I think D and I will be better friends than we were a couple. We do get along insanely well for the most part, and there really aren't that many people I can tolerate. I have my family here to support me, and I have my puppy. There is really nothing on this earth that is cuter than she is. I have my best friend, L, and even a kind of boyfriend, T. The bad thing about that, though, is that he's not here. Well, that, and I'm having such a hard time being sure of anything now. I mean, I was sure about one thing in my whole life, and that was that no matter what happened, D and I could and would make it through it. I was so, so, so sure. And I was secure... we had just bought the house, and I loved thinking that we would be starting a family soon, and that that's where we would be living when we had our kids, and which room would be my daughter's room, and which would be my son's. I think, though, that the security is what I miss more than anything. I thought I had it all figured out, and then boom... my world exploded.

So yeah, I do love hearing the things that T tells me, and I want so, so much to believe it. But I just know that the second I'm sure, he'll go too.

Okay, this is turning into a freaking book, hehe. It's 1:10a and I've gotta be up in like 5 1/2 hours, so I'm out.

If anyone reads this, you have way too much time on your hands, but hey... thanks for listening. :)